Congratulations person-who-in-a-short-while-will-push-out-a-creature-entirely-too-large-through-an-opening-so-terribly-small and who will then forevermore earn the right to be called a Mama.
It has been 18 months since I joined the club and since then my daughter has been working on raising a Mama worth the name. She has her job cut out for her.
I prepared for the Event (yes, any event that stretches out my nether regions wider than the continental USA deserves, at the very least, capitalization) as best I could. I shopped, I painted our nursery, assembled furniture, I attended classes, I read voraciously - blogs and books. I thought to myself "How hard can it be? Everybody does it. Everybody has been doing it since the dawn of mankind." (The answer, by the way, is Very Fucking Hard). I talked to friends and relatives who had had Events of their own. They were right about one thing. Nothing can prepare you for the Event. And nothing, nothing, can prepare you for motherhood. That is the only nugget of wisdom I'm going to impart. You will not be prepared. You are not ready. There is no getting ready for this most transformative event of your life. But you know what? That's ok. You are going to be fine. Your nethers will recover. And your child will raise an amazing mother.
While you can't really be ready for motherhood, there are some things you can do to make the transition easier. Of all the things I did and read, in retrospect what were the things I really couldn't live without? What were the things that actually made a difference? In this post I'm going to cover things you should do for yourself. I'll cover baby stuff separately. I'm going to keep this list as short as possible because the more I read the more overwhelmed I felt about all the things I needed to do.
1. Attend a class on breastfeeding. Few things about it are 'natural'. It doesn't 'just work'. Yes, women have been doing it forever, but always with a lot of support, surrounded by the proverbial village to show them how it is done. If you do just one class let this be it. If your hospital offers the services of lactation consultants after the birth, avail of this service (even if you don't feel that you need it, or you are terribly sleepy, or your unmentionables hurt like a bitch).
2. Make yourself vagina popsicles (lovingly known on the internet as padsicles). Here is a sample padsicle recipe. Use it, or unleash your inner Google ninja. I made 30. I only ended up using 12. But I was so very, very glad for those 12. Oh, and I bought a pack of comically large underwear. Trust me, you'll want these. They will
4. If you have someone (and no, your husband does not count, this needs to be a third person) who will cook for you and help out at home after the Event occurs, you are very lucky. If you do not, cook and freeze. Freeze till your freezer only closes when you grit your teeth and heave hard against it.
5. After the Event my body was, um, how shall I put this politely? Different. In much the same way as a lobotomized patient is different from those of us that still have all our lobes intact. My stomach hurt if it so much as looked at a pant with a zipper. My boobs went rock hard with alarming regularity and I needed to be able to whip them out at a moments notice. My usual wardrobe could not support such eccentricities. You need: comfy, comfy pants. Tops that will let you play 'girls gone wild' on demand. And nursing bras. Lots of those.
I hope this helps, Mama-to-be. You are going to live that famous line. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times". And you are not alone.
It has been 18 months since I joined the club and since then my daughter has been working on raising a Mama worth the name. She has her job cut out for her.
I prepared for the Event (yes, any event that stretches out my nether regions wider than the continental USA deserves, at the very least, capitalization) as best I could. I shopped, I painted our nursery, assembled furniture, I attended classes, I read voraciously - blogs and books. I thought to myself "How hard can it be? Everybody does it. Everybody has been doing it since the dawn of mankind." (The answer, by the way, is Very Fucking Hard). I talked to friends and relatives who had had Events of their own. They were right about one thing. Nothing can prepare you for the Event. And nothing, nothing, can prepare you for motherhood. That is the only nugget of wisdom I'm going to impart. You will not be prepared. You are not ready. There is no getting ready for this most transformative event of your life. But you know what? That's ok. You are going to be fine. Your nethers will recover. And your child will raise an amazing mother.
While you can't really be ready for motherhood, there are some things you can do to make the transition easier. Of all the things I did and read, in retrospect what were the things I really couldn't live without? What were the things that actually made a difference? In this post I'm going to cover things you should do for yourself. I'll cover baby stuff separately. I'm going to keep this list as short as possible because the more I read the more overwhelmed I felt about all the things I needed to do.
1. Attend a class on breastfeeding. Few things about it are 'natural'. It doesn't 'just work'. Yes, women have been doing it forever, but always with a lot of support, surrounded by the proverbial village to show them how it is done. If you do just one class let this be it. If your hospital offers the services of lactation consultants after the birth, avail of this service (even if you don't feel that you need it, or you are terribly sleepy, or your unmentionables hurt like a bitch).
2. Make yourself vagina popsicles (lovingly known on the internet as padsicles). Here is a sample padsicle recipe. Use it, or unleash your inner Google ninja. I made 30. I only ended up using 12. But I was so very, very glad for those 12. Oh, and I bought a pack of comically large underwear. Trust me, you'll want these. They will
- reduce your sexiness to a negative number. Seriously, this is the least sexy you will ever be. It can only get better
- keep all the goopy bits contained
- make a great home for your padscile
- allow you to procure and wear the largest pads known to mankind because you will have the longest, messiest period of your life in the days following the Event
4. If you have someone (and no, your husband does not count, this needs to be a third person) who will cook for you and help out at home after the Event occurs, you are very lucky. If you do not, cook and freeze. Freeze till your freezer only closes when you grit your teeth and heave hard against it.
5. After the Event my body was, um, how shall I put this politely? Different. In much the same way as a lobotomized patient is different from those of us that still have all our lobes intact. My stomach hurt if it so much as looked at a pant with a zipper. My boobs went rock hard with alarming regularity and I needed to be able to whip them out at a moments notice. My usual wardrobe could not support such eccentricities. You need: comfy, comfy pants. Tops that will let you play 'girls gone wild' on demand. And nursing bras. Lots of those.
I hope this helps, Mama-to-be. You are going to live that famous line. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times". And you are not alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment